


(It's not) Just a strand of grey hair

by kndrmbs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angry Magnus Bane, Depression, Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Extended Scene, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 12:21:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18410552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kndrmbs/pseuds/kndrmbs
Summary: He's lost his magic, his identity, a part of his soul - and still there's even more to lose.





	(It's not) Just a strand of grey hair

**Author's Note:**

> I was pondering what the grey hair might mean to someone who has lived young for hundreds of years and thought the connotation would be more complicated than it is for a mundane.

* * *

It wasn't like Magnus had not expected it.

He knew he wasn't immortal anymore. And to be honest, he hadn't been too sad about it either; the idea of growing old with Alec was rather heartwarming. After all, immortality had been a curse.

But knowing it and seeing the evidence with his own eyes were two different things.

Not every warlock stopped aging in their prime time like he had. And he had made the most of it. He knew how to use his looks and physical charm. It was one of the things he had been loved for; at least that was how he saw it.

And that's how he had been for centuries: young and beautiful. It wasn't just vanity; it was who he was, something permanent, like his magic had been to him.

Seeing even a slight change made him realize that he was going to lose whatever was left of his 400 years of identity and whatever was left of his value.

He stared down at the cursed grey hair and at his own reflection in the mirror. He gave himself a long apprasing look. He’d really made an effort for the date night. He looked immaculate enough.

_It's just a strand of hair. No one would have noticed it. Don't be so shallow, Magnus._

But how long did he have? What if all those years were catching up to him and he was to become old and feeble very quickly?

He thought of Alec: the young and handsome shadowhunter who was at the top of his game. And what with his newly gained charisma and confidence, he could have anyone.

And Magnus was nothing.

He'd been stuck in the room all day reading books like an old man while his boyfriend was out there doing important tasks. He was a warlock without magic and a mundane who couldn't be a mundane.

What if Alec saw the reality and chose to leave one day? What did Magnus have to keep him in love? What if he wasn't even going to get to grow old with him?

He was nothing like the man Alec had fallen in love with. He wasn't even convinced that he was wise or generous anymore like Alec had claimed; the darkness in him was poisonous and shattering all those parts of him little by little.

He downed the glass of whiskey and poured more with a shaky hand. The alcohol went straight to his head. Apparently he had lost the warlock tolerance as well.

_Great. Every fucking little thing is a reminder._

Magnus felt anger rising in him. He couldn't figure out who or what it was directed at, he just wanted to scream and smash everything.

Then fear.

How was he supposed to live with this for the rest of his life? He could almost see the gaping black pit slowly engulping him, suffocating him.

At least the alcohol soothed the pain a little, making his senses dull so he didn't have to be so acutely aware of the thorns in his heart.

_Maybe this is why mundanes become addicted to it. I might as well learn to._

Magnus thought to himself, downing another shot of whiskey with his dark eyes glaring at the mirror.

_Useless. I'm useless._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm still in PAIN from this episode. Damn it Magnus and Harry!


End file.
